My One

I’d rather you hit me,

Or give me a stab.

Give me a beating,

Because you were mad.

I’d rather you rape me,

And call me a whore.

Leave me there crying,

On the kitchen floor.

These things are terrible,

But I know what I’m saying.

These feelings these thoughts,

In my mind weighing.

I’d rather you kill me,

Shoot me dead with a gun.

Then leave me here knowing,

We will never be one.

Birthday Poem

And yet here’s another year
we made it in the clear
to spend another b-day cheer.
and to each other’s premier,
we failed to appear,
Some see this as severe
but we know we’re both sincere
Cuz to each other we adhere,
We just can’t do it without a career

Maybe next time dear,
We’ll actually be near
And we could volunteer
To be a pioneer
To disappear
In the wild frontier
to eachother we revere

Author Notes:

This was a poem I sent to one of my boyfriends in his b-day card.  :P

Invisible

I walk among them

          But I am not one of them

I am not the reader

          who shows up everyday at 7 am to read a good book

I am not the texter

          who finds an empty space and sends texts until class

I am not the couple

          Who manages to find a chair that can support them both

I am not the study

          Who finds their group and studies for class

I am not the relaxed

           who sits with a drink and rests until their friends show up

I am not the loner

          Who sits alone in the shadows along the wall thinking how much life sucks

No.. I am the invisible

          Who walks amonth them watching them silently in their cafeteria life….

I Failed Me

I write to vent
I write to tell
A story that is my life.

Some may be drama
others just thoughts
But it’s all just how I feel.

Some click and read
Others just ignore
and I’m begining to feel alone.

My mother and roomie
are all that acknowledge
the words that I write to read.

Who once was best friends
are now but just shadows
in a life I use to have.

The one I love
I feel is turning from me
leaving me upon broken dreams…

My little sister
She hates me so
Our friendship now is shattered.

I glance around
and see beauty perfectness
so I hate me because I lack it.

Stress is getting to me
it’s under my skin
and I’m begining to lose all santiy

I’ve lost my home, the one I love,
my sister and friends…
and now I’m beginign to lose myself

I’m falling deeper
Deeper into a hole
far from the world above.

I thought I was doing good..
I thought I was doing Great…
But I set myself up this whole time.

My hopes are gone
My dreams are lost
and I’ve got only myself to blame.

I’ve Failed Me,
I’ve Failed Me,
I’ve Failed no one else but Me…..

Guardian’s Wish

What She needed
No one could give
To save her life
Her need to live
A lover leaving
The darkness consumed
Her friends left with nothing
but a body entombed
Her spirit lives on
in happieness eternal
Leaving her mark
not visiable but internal
Look unto the sky above
but despair not
Think of the times
the memories not forgot
When you think
of her that day
Let a smile
show her way
Feelings of sadness
you should relinquish
This would have been
Guardian’s Wish..

Author Notes:

Apparently the user whom this poem was wrote for is in fact still alive and NOT dead…  It was all a joke.  =_=

Bloody Doll

my doll
my beautiful doll
the vacuous  look you offer

My scouple is my tool
the floor a bloody pool
your muffled whimper
will not be a hinder

i take a step back
looking at what i perfected
you were so repugnant
but now you are elegant

God’s List

She sat and waited,
and waited and sat.
It seemed that 5 minutes had gone by,
But it hadn’t been 1 if even that.
Finally, a sign appeared
as the two lines got darker
Her future became clearer.

She had gotten the “Mother’s wish”
She was next on god’s list
To have the gift to bare a life

As days turned to weeks,
She got the cravings of a mother to be.
Tomatoes, mushrooms, cucumbers and greens.
Drinking nothing but juice, and tea.
Weeks turned to months,
and she would wake up sick
Her future was crystal clear.

She had gotten the “Mother’s wish,”
She was next on god’s list,
To have the gift to bare a life.

Then one month while making some food,
The worst thing happened to her hope.
She rushed to the hospital covered in blood,
that pain so unbearable she almost couldn’t cope.
She waited then was taken,
Exams were used and the doctor looked unhappy.
Her future was not clear but erased.

She had gotten the “Mother’s Death wish”
She was no longer next on god’s list,
To have the gift to bare a life.

Faramir

I first met him 5 months ago,
give or take a few weeks.
We talked casually,
Just two neopet fan freaks.
But as I learned more about him,
My heart wanted to do more.
But I kept it inside,
My true secret hidden behind a door.
We continued to become better friends,
Our conversations became more meaningful.
Then one day he told me his feelings,
and that day was more delightful.
But a few months later,
It all went down the drain.
My mother became mean,
and Insantiy crept in my brain.
My talks would now be limited,
Unless I became her slave.
I left for a few days to think it over,
and in the end would agree to behave.

Then at the worst time,
Something went wrong.
ontop of that I had to leave,
But I told him it wouldn’t be that long.
He couldn’t take it,
he was falling apart.
So I pleaded I loved him,
with all of my heart.
He answered with onlya couple of dots.
and said in this life he can no longer stays,
But i said then i got angry and told him this
I’d only be gone for no more then two days.
He then said good bye and left me alone…

I told him I loved him,
I told him I cared,
But this did not matter,
and I just couldn’t bare.
He simply replied
and I hope that He lied.
im sorry for loving … im sorry for living

Author Notes:

This is NOT based on the Lord of the Rings Character.  I had a friend who RP’d Faramir and thus that is what I called my friend…

I’m not CRaZY!!!!!

The evil inside me is coming out,
but no one needs to worry.
I only like to play with knives,
so stay there is no hurry.

I want you to stay perfectly still,
While I unfold my scheme.
I’ll stab my knife into your skin,
But shh… now don’t you scream.

I’ll pull it out and watch you bleed,
as I lick the razor sharp edge.
Then I’ll walk away and leave you there
To rot upon the hedge..

Untitled Ch.1 ( Ulrika Anannsul )

Late into the night, the snow fell and fell.  Her purple eyes idly watched the flecks of snow dance to their deaths.  She stood there in front of the window holding in her hand a purple stone charm strewn on a silver necklace made of very tiny chains.  She seemed to be lost in a memory….

———————————————

“Oh uncle this is taking too long!” she said while staring out of the small window in the carriage.  She looked out at the grass ridden horizon.  A strand of long black-silver hair got caught up in the passing wind.

“We will be there soon enough, Ulrika.  Have some patients.” Spoke the old man sitting beside her.  She huffed out and closed the curtain with a bit of disappointing force.  She looked over to the old man sitting next to her.  He was her uncle and since the death of her parents he had been the father figure in her life.  However, he restricted her from doing what she loved most which was adventure.  He would often confine her in lesson after lesson of how to be a lady.  They had traveled for nearly a full awakening day before reaching Melyannador.  When they arrived they were escorted to their rooms to rest up for the feast the following day.

“M’lady?” a young male voice called to her.  She shifted slightly in her sleep bringing the covers up closer to her face. “M’Lady?” the young voice called out again this time her body shook as the young man shook her.  She popped open one of her eyes and focused on the young man awakening her.  She stared at his strange blonde hair and blue eyes and his pointy ears.  He reminded her of someone but she couldn’t put her finger on who. “ ‘Quel amrun.  Lord Silothad requested you awaken and get ready for the party.”

She opened both eyes and blinked a few times then sat up and yawned, not covering her mouth.  She looked around the room then looked to him.  She noticed he was wearing the guard armor of Celebtaure, which is where she was from.   He was rather youthful, too young to be a guard, but definitely older then herself.  Still he looked familiar.

“ ‘Quel amrun…” she finally replied.  “What is your name?” she inquired her waker while beginning to get out of bed.

“Amanulma….  I believe we have met before but it was quite brief.  Your fa… uncle has trained me…” he replied moving away from the side of the bed.  He smiled to himself slightly seeing her in her light lavender night gown.  It was frowned upon for men to see young unmarried women in their night garments.  Ulrika knew of this and it was quite clear she didn’t care. “Before the feast I am turning in  my guard clothing then after I’m going to go travel.  Then go on adventures on my own.”  He said with smile upon his face.

Ulrika looked up to him with bright sparkling eyes.  “I too want to go on adventures.”  She then suddenly jumped out of bed causing Amanulma to jump back from surprise.   “I want to run across the plains!” she exclaimed moving her hands across herself describing how the plains would be smooth.  She then jumped on her bed.  “and jump from tree…  to tree!”  She leapt from her bed landing next to a dresser.  She noticed a broom resting against the wall most likely left by a maid.  She grasped it and promptly snapped it in half upon her knee, using the handle part now as a sword she playfully made an attacking move at Amanulma.

He dodged the attack and made for a wooden chair.  He kicked it over and broke off a leg just in time to block another attack from her.  She smiled as he seemed rather surprised to see she was pretty good.

“I want to engage in sword fight!”  she exclaimed again making another attack which nearly got him but was blocked just in time.  The two began to have a mimic a sword fight, both taking turns in attack and defense.  Was he just going easy on her?  She’d never know, but what she did know was the room was becoming a disaster zone, night tables being knocked over, the bed a crumpled mess, soon things from the dresser top would be all over the floor.  Finally Ulrika had managed to pin him in a corner and against the wall.  She walked up rather close to him.  “Looks like I’ve got you…” she smiled. Their eyes met.  Her purple hues stared into the sky blue of his eyes which stared back into hers.  It was then her heat began to beat harder for another reason other than their pretend sword fight.  She then began to blush heavily…

“Ulrika Fayenn Anannsul!  That is no way to treat a guest!” The familiar sound of the old man suddenly barked.

“Sorry Uncle….I” Ulrika said moving away from Amanulma and bowed her head.

“Sorry Lord Silothad.  It is not entirely the Miss’ fault.” Amanulma quickly replied cutting off Ulrika from finishing her sentence.  He bowed his head while saluting him.

The uncle nodded his head to Amanulma however before dismissing him he decided another route with Ulrika. “Ulrika, that is no way to act for a proper young lady In front of a gentleman and in your night clothing…” He scolfed.   “Get dressed.  Amanulma, you and I have other matters to attend to…” he placed a long box on the corner of the dresser.  He turned and while leaving with Amanulma quickly behind, he embarrassed her one more time. “I’m sorry Amanulma, she is usually very well behaved and lady like.”

Ulrika blushed at her embarrassment and when they left she closed the door with a slight slam.  She hated when he would do things like this to get her to try to be more lady like.  She looked to the corner where her outfit was hanging and ready to be put on.  She looked to the box and snatched it up.  “What, another lady like gift?” she sneered and opened it.  She stared into the box and the beauty of this charm.  It matched her eyes and almost looked liked light purple clouds gently hugged around the charm.   She lifted it from the box by the silver chain made of tiny intricate loops.  She was in awe at its beauty.

A knock came at the door and Ulrika quickly closed the box but before she could answer two maids walked in and told her they were here to help her get dressed.  Ulrika was quickly directed to the area of the room where her dress was.  The maids paused before getting her clothing and looked at the room.

“What happened here miss Ulrika?” one asked.  It was hard to tell them apart but the one who had spoke had much lighter brown eyes then the other.

“Uh, I was having a play sword fight with someone…” Ulrika answered getting undressed.

“That’s not very lady like.” The one with darker eyes said.  Ulrika rolled her eyes in response.  Although she hated it she went with their directions to get the dress on.  “Today is a very special day for you miss.  You must look your absolute best.” She said while fixing the dress a bit.

“Oh yes, a big gathering with food….  Such a special day…” she remarked with a slightly snarky attitude.  She moved away from the one fretting with her dress and looked in the mirror.

“No, no miss.  You have become of age.”  The one with the light eyes chimed in.  She came up behind her and placed on her head a very special Tiara.  The Tiara was silver and from the center dangling down in the center of her forehead was a small amethyst gem.  Ulrika turned around to the two of them as they stared at her with such a sparkle in their eyes.

“What do you mean I’ve become of age?” she had a slight angry look to her face staring at them with their fake innocents.  “Spit it out girls!  What do you mean?!”

“Miss, do you not know?  Today you will meet your suitor… your…”  The one with light eyes looked to the one with darker eyes. “Kiatie?”

“Your betrothal…” Kiatie finished the other’s sentence.  Ulrika just glared at them with such hatred in her eyes.  “Kiata…  I think we should go and leave the miss.”  Kiatie looked at Ulrika, “Please Miss…  we thought you knew… if anything you must go to this feast as if we never told you…”

“How can I act as if I’m not here because of my Uncles doing?  This is… “She huffed out.  “Just go…”  Ulrika said turning her back to the maids.  They gently bowed their heads and left the room.  Ulrika sat in her room alone.  She was upset that this whole feast thing was because he was doing what he thought was best for her.  Marry her off to some rich elf who would make her act like a lady.. And be his wife and worst… having his children.  Ulrika did not want this.. She had to do something.  She got up from the bed and just as she opened the door to make her get away she ran into Amanulma.

“Oh!  I am so sorry Miss Ulrika… I…I…I was just coming to get you for the feast.”  He said nervously fixing his formal robe which was a very deep purple with light purple trim.  His blonde hair had been fashioned into a nice ponytail at the base of his skull.

Ulrika blushed softly, well perhaps if he was her betrothal.. She’d be fine with it.  She then shook her head slightly releasing that thought from her mind.  Bah, not in my lifetime! She thought and took his offered arm and left for the feast.  At the top of the stairwell there was another female.  Whom she was Ulrika did not know, she assumed she was from this area with her matching brown hair and eyes.  This woman wore a rather plain long red dress.  Upon her neck was a golden necklace.  The girl looked to her and gave her a half smile.  Ulrika returned it.  The girl also didn’t look too happy to be here.  She was partially hanging onto her “dates” arm which also showed there was not even the slightest friendliness between them.  Ulrika could hear the chatter from below then suddenly silence.  She listened to a strange male voice speak out to the guests.

“I’d like you all to welcome our very special guests this evening, as it is for them we gather here tonight.  I would like you all to welcome Lady Kirah Tiwele daughter of Tintherin Tîwele & Rosélin Ayer.”   It was then that the strange girl was lead down the stairs; in Ulrika’s eyes she was beautiful.  Her long brown hair gracefully moved with just as equally graceful movements of the girl.  She was far more lady like than Ulrika, surely her suitor would be very happy.  “… and Lady Ulrika Anannsul daughter of Ferodin Longwind and Fayenn Ita’istar.”  She was next, her heart thumped in her chest, oh how she wished Amanulma wasn’t standing at the door.

“You look very lovely tonight, Ulrika.” Amanulma said quietly while leading her down the stairs.  Ulrika scanned the room looking for her uncle and quickly spotted him. She stared at him giving him a look that would send shivers down anyone’s back.  However, she smiled gently to the other guests while they passed by.  Amanulma lead her to her seat between her uncle and some other elf from their home. Amanulma took a seat at another table.  The meal was served and while her uncle and this one called Lord Edo spoke Ulrika just scanned the room looking for possible suitors her uncle would choose for her.   After the feast it was time for everyone to get up and dance and drink and talk some more before the big announcement.  Lord Silothad guided Ulrika over to where Lord Edo and the strange girl were standing.

“Ulrika this is Lady Kirah and her uncle Lord Edo… Lord Edo, Lady Kirah this is my niece Lady Ulrika.” Silothad spoke gently, more gently then he had earlier today.

“Lord Edo, Lady Kirah. It is a pleasure to meet you both.  I sincerely thank you for having this party in our honor.” Ulrika gently curtsied and bowed her head in respect.

“It is surely no problem.  You both are…” Lord Edo was starting to say.  Ulrika looked up just in time to catch the end of her uncle’s silent gesture.  Ulrika blinked slightly. “very welcome in my kingdom at any time.” He then looked at Kirah.  “Kirah?”

“Pleasure to meet you Ulrika…” she said plainly and only gave her a half bow.  She was then gently prodded by her Uncle.  “Pleasure to meet you Lady Ulrika.” She said with exaggerated elegance and bowed just as exaggerated.  Her uncle gave a displeased sigh.

“You two go and mingle, be sure to be back in time for the big announcements.” Ulrika’s uncle spoke and shooed them away.

“Don’t forget your manners!” Lord Edo shouted after the two of them.

Ulrika and Kirah found themselves sitting silently underneath a tree in the garden.  They would often exchange looks but no words.  They sat there listening to the distant chatter of the party and picked at the blades of grass.

“Oh come on.  Lady Ulrika, whom pinned me up against a wall screaming of adventure and sword fights, has nothing to say?” said a young male voice from above them.  Both girls looked up, Ulrika the only one with a smile.

“Amanulma.  Have you been spying for my father?” Ulrika said with a hint of disappointment yet also playful.

“Not on your life…” he said tossing down a fruit to her.  Ulrika caught it and quickly took a large bite.  Ulrika chewed and looked over to Kirah who seemed to have a look of surprise on her face.  She looked to the fruit and offered it to Kirah.

“You want to go on adventures too??” asked Kirah looking at her with those big brown eyes.

“Of course she does!” said Amanulma now jumping out of the tree.  He brushed off his pants, and shirt.  His hair now hung down freely and that special look in his eye when he looked at Ulrika was slightly gone now.

Kirah rolled her eyes at Amanulma and slightly sneered in disgust. “I’m SURE she has a voice of her own, and don’t NEED a man speaking for her.” She said sharply to him.  Amanulma simply raised his hands in defense then of course offered the floor to Ulrika.

“Oh um…  Yeah. I would love to go on adventures.  I’d rather be there then here getting betrothed to some elf I don’t love.”  Ulrika, realizing what she said bit her lip. “Sorry, I wasn’t suppose to say that…”  She  looked down to the floor unable to read the shocked looks on Amanulma and Kirah’s face.

“You mean, your uncle never told you?” Kirah’s light voice chimed in as she walked to Ulrika and lifted her chin.  Ulrika simply shook her head.  Kirah made a tsk tsk sound. “Your uncle is just as bad as mine.”  Ulrika quickly found herself in Kirah’s caring embrace.  Ulrika was in a bit of a shock but hugged her back.

“Wait.. you mean both of your uncle…  brought you here to announce a betrothal to a man you don’t know or love?!” Amanulma said with a bit of anger.  “I.. would have never expected that..  from your uncle.”  He clenched his hand in a slight fist.  When their hug was done Amanulma took Ulrika by the shoulders and looked at her. “I refuse to let you get married!  Not this way!  It should be for love and with someone who will love you the way you are..  and this…  while beautiful is not you!  Come with me…..”

Ulrika looked to Kirah then back to Amanulma. “Go on..  Adventures?   Now?”

“Sure why not?!  Now is our chance, Ulrika!  Let’s go!  Us three!” exclaimed Kirah as she urged Ulrika to follow her.  Ulrika was nervous shaky, but this is what she wanted.  She nodded to the both of them and went with her.  Amanulma lead the way though.

“I have horses ready… but only two.” Amanulma said looking to Kirah.  Kirah simply shrugged.

“I do live here you know.. I have my own horse ready to go…”  They reached the barn where the horses were kept.  Kirah quickly ripped off her dress revealing also shirt and pants.  She however kept the necklace on.  She looked to the other two who were staring at her.  “What?  I was ready…” she said standing there.

“Um, I am not.  I am still wearing this stupid corset dress thing!” Ulrika exclaimed grasping her dress and tugging at it slightly.  She watched as Kirah came over with a dagger and promptly cut off most of her dress turning into a skirt.  She then nicked one strand of thread and ripped the sleeves off.  Ulrika stood there in shock.  “You…  ruined my dress!”

Kirah laughed a bit then moved over to her horse. “Here,” she threw some boots at Ulrika’s feet.  “Put those on princess and let’s get out of here.”  She looked at Ulrika who had a blank expression on her face.  She giggled some. “Let’s go hurry, unless of course you’d rather meet your betrothal…” she said teasingly.

At that instant Ulrika had nearly tore the shoes from her feet and put on the boots.   She walked over to her horse and with the help of Amanulma got into its’ saddle. “This feels slightly strange riding it like this…” she said while gently prodding the sides of the horse with her heels.  It began walking towards the opening of the barn.  When she reached there she stopped it and looked out at the land then back towards the direction of the party.  Already the guards were on their way.  “Looks like we’ve been spotted.”

Amanulma mounted his horse and joined Ulrika by the door, followed by Kirah. “We need to go…” he said taking a look at the slowly approaching guards.  He leaned forward and whispered into his horse’s ear, who quickly after began to gallop away making haste towards the open lands of Melyannador.  Following behind him was Ulrika and Kirah.  The two girls escaped their planned fate by a hair.

————————————–

Ulrika grasped the charm a bit tighter before releasing it letting it hang at her neck.  It had been a full moon cycle since that day.  Amanulma eventually broke off from the group, as did Kirah.  Ulrika had been traveling alone, and gotten word that her father still lived and he was in the land of the little people still writing his famous stories.  She closed her eyes for a moment trying to clear her mind.  That silence shared between her and the snow would be interrupted by a horse’s panicked cry, not wanting to get into its’ stall.   Her eyes opened and settled upon a ranger who managed to calm the horse down.  She watched as his attention was drawn to her window.  Was he just another traveler, or had her uncle sent him…..

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